HANG IN THERE

“Hang in there “ you know the saying that is said just before parting with someone, as another way to say “don’t give up”.  This saying seemed to be going around, among a few other words, that ended up on repeat in my mind over the past several months under a solo quarantine during this pandemic. I had enough time on my hands to really think and reflect on language, the choice of words we used, how we used them, and the general weight of them when you HEAR or READ them. As well, as observing how it affects you, physically, mentally, and emotionally, especially when you are on your own, over long periods of time.  Call it a self-induced inquiry, a project of sorts, that turned into a therapeutic healing plan in coping with a pandemic that was soaked in emotion and anxiety, and heavy in uncertainty.  

The results of the research eventually made their way into a creative installation sensory experience, called “Hang in there”, which I HUNG, at Nomads life in Montreal last week in a private event. 

I used the slang “Hang in there” as the title to my experience. Inspired by an image I had seen while taking a walk for some much-needed fresh air back in May. On this day I chose to take the alleyways for a different and safer route through the city. I generally always preferred these routes rather than the streets because they always seemed to have a more lived-in homey feel, and now with covid 19, it felt even safer and away from the crowds. 

As I made my way down one of my favorite routes, I looked up to see laundry hanging on the line, with wires intersecting, trees crisscrossing, above and below. A common scene that generally piques my visual interest but this time It felt different to me.

I paused for a moment, watching these delicate, fragile, intimate pieces of clothing, blowing in the wind, BARELY hung by two clothes pins, and thought,  I CAN RELATE, to this.  My emotions, worries, sadness, exhaustion, uncertainty, and most of all vulnerability mimicked being hung out on a line.  I thought about the heaviness of our emotions, of being there,  waiting for it to be alright,  worrying about what was next, but all I could do was be patient and hold on.  WE ALL had to hold on.

To take this story to a deeper level, I’ll share with you my own personal experience during my isolation.   Particularly something that made its appearance within the first week of quarantine and made a significant impact on why I created this installation.  

Basically, when I felt or seemed alright, my body and mind decided otherwise and began waking me up “literally” in my sleep in a series of Panic Attacks.  To break it down into a brief version of these months as possible.  I was now confronting myself, head-on, every day, and whatever I had left under the rug, from my past, or present was showing up, in full force in my subconscious. Dramatically waking me up to LIVE and notice and truly recognize and FEEL without pushing it away to deal with it later. Again this is the short and light version but this was no light matter that I was now experiencing. 

After a series of them, I was exhausted and began to reach out.  I had no other option but to ask for help and needed to know how to manage it and hopefully stop this from re-occurring. The more I reached out, the more I realized I was NOT ALONE in my anxiety and these attacks.  A LOT of people were suffering at this time and suffering from general anxiety in their day-to-day lives prior to this.  The Pandemic had only heightened it and brought it to the surface where most people now needed to come face to face with it and like me, on their own. Adding a whole new layer to the anxiety. 

Being a yoga teacher, I thought I had the tools to release stress in others and most times with myself and felt fairly invincible to this sort of thing. However somehow, somewhere it caught up to me, and completely off guard, becoming too much for my body and mind to handle. 

I dove deep into trying different breathing exercises, eliminated things from my diets, herbal, medicinal methods, bought a bunch of vitamins, did a bunch of research, and got back to my yoga practice. All these things seemed to be getting me back on track and moving me into a positive direction but the attacks haven’t fully disappeared they were just less strong on a rictor scale.  So I decided to head back to a creative ritual of sorts that in the past has had some good results in clearing and healing the mind and that was writing.  However this time, I put a deeper intention in what I wrote.   

From the very first moment, in the first panic attack, at 3 am, in my haste, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote to myself, as a witness,” YOU are going to be alright, YOU are alright, it’s alright.  Call it a distraction of sorts, a way to SEE a word and believe it, and then on top it, a type of clearing and cleansing of the feelings that were inside my head, and releasing them OUT as quickly as possible. 

I had read and believed in the research already on how the power of writing could heal, but I never thought I would have to use it to this extent and in this therapeutic way. Basically, it was time to practice what I preached.

So for the next several months, I began to not only write my thoughts, but I started to do audio.  Recording my voice just after having an attack.  I did the same with my dreams as they were just as LUCID and powerful as the attacks. It seemed all things were heightened.  Each layer was LUCID, the dream life, waking life, and the space between, was waking me up to all of this. 

So let’s bring it back to the present.  Where am I, NOW.  As June hit, and things started to open up a bit, I was excited to connect with others and perhaps work towards something, ANYTHING.  The lack of connection, uncertainty, and no due dates to work towards, added to my anxiety. In knowing this, I needed to create something to look forward to, even if it was a small project that I had designed. It was at this moment, that I decided to turn my self-inquiry into a healing installation. 

At first, I went to my studio.  I pulled out a rope and hung it from one end to the other.  I cut out little pieces of paper and put words on them. WORDS that had impacted me during this time. WORDS that were heavy and WORDS that gave me comfort.  I knew that they all had weight to them and if I was to move THROUGH and forward, out of the state that I was in, I needed to RELEASE them.  I hung up such words as WORRY, ANXIETY, OVERTHINKING, ATTACHED.  As well as words and ideas I wanted to manifest into my future. If I was about to reprogram my brain and visualize what was to come I needed to create a balance between what I was letting go of and what I was looking forward to, both the negatives and the positives, and really SEE what was on my mind.  

I spent a few days in there, just writing, and hanging, without much thought to what I was doing. As I stood back and looked at this line filled with words, and emotions, I had HUNG, I felt now it needed air to breathe and let go. I envisioned it, not along like laundry being hung out to dry but also like a Nepali prayer flag. While trekking in the Annapurna mountains I had seen and participated in this ritual.  Flags were hung to promote peace, compassion, strength, and wisdom in the pervading space.  Which I felt could be useful during this time of the pandemic. 

And with that, I brainstormed a few ideas about where I would like or could see it hung.  As Montreal was just on the cusp of changing the rules for events, I didn’t have a lot of choices but in the end spoke with my Friend Jason at Nomads Nation, a co-working space, which had a wonderful outdoor terrace. He granted me the space for a few days to hang the show and complete my healing process. 

As a person who has an interest in the process, I thought I would share a bit of mine as to how I created this show.  As it has a lot to do with the healing process in the end. All in all, I took only one week to design, and curate the event. I purposely used recycled materials.  Cutting shapes of clothing out of old bedsheets, towels, shoes, and facecloths.  Anything I could find in my house and nearby that I needed to let go of and clear space in my life at the same time. I cut out my Words on vinyl that I wanted to release, manifest, and felt, and placed them on these articles I had created. It was a very different process for me and one to which I wasn’t used to

I tried to go with the less is more mentality as well as let things flow without getting too caught up in perfection. If the material had a stain or the paper torn or folded, I let it be as is. I wanted to install something that was raw, authentic, and present.

Traditionally I wouldn’t call myself an installation artist, or deal with concepts, but more ideas that led to a photographic image or a painting or maybe even a design project.  So of course, doubts about what I was doing arose.  What was the point of all this?  This all seemed juvenile. And with those doubts, came the answers.  Juvenile is where I needed to get back to.  Being playful, and simple.  Being creative without this great need for approval from the outside world.  Being creative in the NOW.

During this time, I watched a few documentary movies on artists.  One of them was Amy Whinehouse and another was Jean Michael Basquiat.  Both had died tragically but both were inspiring for the way they created, in the moment and with such vulnerability, and rawness.  They created from what they FELT and saw in their daily lives.  Which included such things as love, heartbreaks, racism, fears, and social pressures to be someone,

I could relate to both of these stories.  Especially Basquiat and the immediacy of creation.  He didn’t wait, he just DID and was very much inspired by the streets and urban living. As well Racism had made a huge impact on him at that time, and once again racism was making its IMPACT in 2020.  

Last week I hung out my words on a line and released them.  From my experience, I can say, that there is a very big healing aspect to expressing what is within, through creative ways.  And when I say creative, this doesn’t mean this is limited to an artist or to how you express it. This is for EVERYONE and anyone.  It is not only our physical bodies that this pandemic or everyday stress is affecting and attacking, but equally our mental health that is at stake. From my experience, don’t let things settle into your mind and body, to wreak havoc NOW or later.  Find ways and methods to let things FLOW, LET GO, and move THROUGH and out.

I am presently looking for another place to hang my installation in Montreal and onwards. If someone has a space in which they can offer to me, please get in touch with me.

On another note, I produced a series of poems in this installation that I will be sharing over the next months, and hope to produce a small Zine dedicated to the healing aspects of writing with the theme of mental health. If interested in acquiring a copy, stay tuned and or be put on my mailing list.

Finally, I would like to thank all those people who checked in and supported me during these 4 months by listening, talking, relating, and just saying they are there for me. It mattered to have virtual support during a time that we were quarantined apart.

I AM LISTENING - reach out

If you would like to share your experience going through these past several months, I would like to LISTEN and as well as SHARE them with the viewer. I believe in the act of reaching out, sharing, and releasing to be important aspects of healing, especially as we live in these uncertain, unprecedented times. This project began as a personal journey on the road of seeing, feeling, and listening to what my body and mind were experiencing. Through this, I am well aware that I am NOT ALONE, so with that, I INVITE YOU, to join me in sensing, talking, and experiencing without judgment or shame. At the moment, if you are comfortable, share your personal experience in the COMMENT box below. As the project begins to organically move, expand, grow I will add the community’s experience to a dedicated project page in which to display them and perhaps move into other event-related collaborations in the future.

SHARE -i can relate

IN 3 WORDS…..What you would like to let go of? What your feelings are now? What you would like to manifest in the future?

QUESTIONS I am curious to hear from you….. some of your highs and lows from living through this pandemic. What have you learned about yourself? others? What was the biggest gift you received? What was the hardest lesson or moment in which you lived through? What were some of your deepest fears, and how did you move through them? what were some of your healing therapies?

SHARE, through different expressions of POETRY, SKETCHES, STORIES….

ALTERNATIVE PRIVACY SHARING- If you are someone who resonates with this but would like to keep your comments, thoughts or experience, completely private but still want someone to LISTEN and SHARE with, I am here for you and value your impressions and will keep it private. Send me your messages privately through my CONTACT.

Looking forward to hearing from you. x